


The Story of Jean

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Best Friends, Friendship, Gen, Gift Fic, POV Eren Yeager, POV First Person, Self-Hatred, i don't know what this is, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 04:49:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2679761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thinks we don’t see it, and he thinks we don’t care, but we do. We all see it, and we all care, and we all want to help him, but we don’t have the words to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Story of Jean

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jean_huh_kirschnickerdoodle/gifts).



> I have nothing to say other than I love you.

This is the story of Jean Kirschtein, and how I wish I could give him the life he deserves.

Jean is an honest man, but sometimes he doesn’t speak his mind. It worries us to no end, especially Armin. We want to help him, we want to make him laugh and smile and show him how talented and wonderful he is, but we lack the ability and he doesn’t believe us just by hearing it.

Jean hates his life. He hates himself. He hates his family, and he hates the world and everyone in it. I don’t know how like five people managed to break down that rough exterior to see the soft, playful kitten-like interior, but he let them. I am lucky enough to be one of them.

The words “I’m sorry” are in a constant loop when in my mouth when I attempt to comfort him. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been in his situation—I’ve never experienced what he has so deep. And sometimes, I think he believes that I don’t care. But I do. So much.

Sometimes when I talk to him, he seems to be happy, but it’s just a front. On the outside he’s smiling, but on the inside he’s slowly crumbling away… and there’s nothing I can do to save him.

I can’t always be there for Jean, and I am a shitty friend for that. He says it doesn’t matter, but that’s a lie. And for such an honest man to lie to my face means that he’s too hurt to give a shit anymore.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing. I’m doing nothing, because I suck.”

“You don’t suck.”

“I do. I hate everything.”

Naturally, I have no idea what to say to this kind of thing. Does anybody really? I try to play it off, try to be cool. “I hate everything too. Let’s hate everything together.”

That usually does the trick, and if we’re texting I usually get an “LOL” in response. But, it really doesn’t fix how he feels. And I know that. Hating life doesn’t get us anywhere. We toss sarcastic banter around for a while, joke about our mutual homosexuality, maybe slap some insults back and forth, and that’s how our talks go.

We used to talk all the time. Every minute of the day. We’d have deep conversations at one moment, and the next we’d be talking about barbed cat penises. Why? Because that’s how our friendship was. The meaning of life to dicks in ten seconds.

But now, things have changed. We don’t talk nearly as much. I’ve been trying to branch out more and talk to my other friends. I’m in a relationship, so I’ve been spending a lot of time with Levi because of it. Jean and I don’t have our ten-second-boom conversations as much anymore.

This brings back the constant statement word vomit known as “I’m sorry”. It’s all I can think to say anymore. It’s all I have in my arsenal of _show him I give a shit about him_. I know it’s not enough, but I also know there’s literally nothing I can say or do to bring him out of his slump.

It’s gotten to the point that sometimes I’m scared to talk to him. I don’t want to have the sad talk that results in me repeating an apology for something I know that I can’t fix. I’m afraid to talk to my best friend because I don’t want him to get even more upset at me for saying the S-word over, and over, and over again.

I’m a coward. But like I said, Jean is a (mostly) honest man. He brought up how he was feeling. How shitty I’ve been for ignoring him. I didn’t reply at first. I was upset. What do I say? There’s nothing I can say to defend myself. And I couldn’t deny that I was ignoring him. I was. Because I’m a damn scared coward fuck-baby.

This all goes back to him thinking I don’t care.

Jean hates himself and everything having to do with him. He thinks nobody cared about him or his problems. He thinks we think he’s complaining, whining. And when we don’t know what to say to cheer him up, he thinks we don’t care. There is absolutely nothing I can do as his best friend to help—no, _make_ —him see that we—I—give such an aggressive DAMN about him.

And I hate myself so much for that. More than he can comprehend.

I know nothing I say really, truly gets through to him. And I know the barrage of “I’m sorry”s mean virtually nothing to him, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hold true. I _am_ sorry. I’m sorry that his life isn’t what it should be. I’m sorry that I can’t fix everything. I’m sorry that I can’t punch his parents, or the almighty creator of the universe and all shit inside, in the fucking face for making him feel as shitty as he does.

He doesn’t deserve the pain he goes through.

“Eren, I don’t know what to do.”

I don’t reply very fast to things like this. I don’t know what to say. I can’t offer a solution, I can’t apologize, I don’t know what kind of advice to give. I end up waiting ten minutes before he adds something.

“I feel like the world would be better off—”

And I can never finish these. The world would not be better off. Armin, for one, would _not_ be better off. _I_ certainly would not be better off. The fuck is “better off” anyway?!

I tell him exactly that. Saying it wouldn’t be good for _me_ if he decided that the world was “better off”. It’s self-absorbed, I realize too late, and there’s nothing I can fix or change to make him understand that I meant that the world would crash and burn without him. The people in his life would go down in flames and the source of the fire wouldn’t be available.

I ramble about Jean too much. The thing is, though… I worry. So much. Because there is nothing that I can fucking say to him, nothing that I can fucking do for him to keep him feeling strong and loved and amazing. I don’t think he’s ever felt that way. Nobody has ever managed to _make_ him feel that way.

Armin tries—he tries so fucking hard. And when I decided to not be a coward, I throw in as many “I love you so fucking much you asshat”s and “you’re my best friend let’s take over the world together”s I throw in, I know nothing gets into that thick-as-fuck skull.

I’m a coward. I love Jean so much, though. I really do. If I could, I would shelter him from everything bad. If I could turn into a fifty-foot tall giant and cradle him into the life that he deserves, I would do it in a heartbeat, even if it cost me an arm and a leg.

But in the end, nothing I say is valid. He doesn’t agree. “I don’t matter” is a lasting phrase in his mind. I know I can’t change that. Even if I _could_ turn into a fifty-foot giant and protect him from everything, it still wouldn’t matter, because he thinks he isn’t worth it.

He’s a fucking moron. He’s so worth it. More worth it than a lot of people. I wouldn’t figuratively—or literally—give up my limbs for just _anybody_.

I really hope that one day I can make Jean realize that he is important. That he matters. That he is my best friend and that at some point in time he will be legitimately happy. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how long it’ll last. But I know it’ll come to him, because good things come to those who wait.

Jean Kirschtein is a good person and he’s waited a long fucking time to be happy. He deserves it more than anyone I know.

This was the story of Jean Kirschtein, and how I wish I could give him the life he deserves.


End file.
